As divorce rates continue to rise in the United States, more and more couples are approaching marriage with increasing caution. While Americans are still opting for marriage, many are looking for opportunities to damage-proof their relationships before they say “I do.” Pre-marital counseling is just one approach couples are taking.
What is Pre-Marital Counseling?
Pre-marital counseling, like any couples counseling, is usually facilitated by a skilled family therapist, (and sometimes members of the clergy). The function of pre-marital counseling is two-fold:
- To assist couples in developing skills to navigate their way through marriage successfully
- To identify (and if possible resolve) areas of difference between couples that may become a source of conflict later
Many professionals performing pre-marital counseling will use assessment tools to help identify these potential difficulties. Perhaps the most commonly used instrument is the PreMarital Inventory (PMI) available to clinicians and clergy through Intercommunications Publishing. The PMI addresses the following areas, all common discussion grounds in pre-marital counseling:
- Interests and Activities
- Role Expectations
- Personal Adjustment
- Interpersonal Communication
- Religion and Philosophy
- Marriage Expectations
- Family Issues
- Finances
- Children (and Parenting)
- Sexuality
When Should a Couple Seek Pre-Marital Counseling?
The basis for the following criteria has been suggested by the California Association for Marriage Family Therapists:
- When you are young and have never been married (some states such as California, require by law that individuals under the age of 18 complete pre-marital counseling before the wedding)
- When one partner is “commitment-phobic”
- When a couple cannot resolve significant issues (if a couple has disagreements regarding money, parenting, household responsibility, work, sex, etc. the time to resolve them is before marriage)
- When one or both partners have a previously failed marriage and want to avoid repeating the same mistakes
Additional reasons to enter pre-marital counseling may include
- Difficulty handling conflict: No marriage tool box is complete (nor can any marriage survive) without strong conflict resolution skills.
- History of childhood abuse or domestic violence: Abuse, unfortunately, has been correlated with higher rates of divorce. It is important to seek help from a trained professional to learn alternatives to patterns that have resulted from emotional or physical abuse, or to heal from the hindrances of sexual abuse before marriage.
Other Considerations in Preparing for Marriage
- Don’t fall for the classic marriage myths: Analyzing the Myths of Marriage before you say “I do” can be good preventative medicine.
- Educate yourself on marriage in general. Browse the internet or your local bookstore for information on marriage and relationships.
- If blending families, couples may want to prepare for the transition by following the Help for Blended Families Steps to Success as well as developing a Parenting Plan.
Marriage, and family, can be among life's greatest assets. If we strive to protect assets that mean less to us than our loved ones, why not explore the issues ahead of time to "damage-proof" the precious gift of marriage?
References:
Burnett, Charles K. "PreMarital Inventory." Inver Grove Heights MN: Intercommunications Publishing, 2004.
California Association of Marriage Family Therapists. "Are You Ready for Marriage:How Pre Marital Counseling Can Help." Los Angeles: California Association of Marriage Family Therapists, 2007.
Angela Ann Holloway - Angela Holloway is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She lives in Southern California and has a private practice in Rancho ...
